Good Grief

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I think I started this year off grieving and never stopped. I mean I knew I was sad most of the year, but I didn’t realize it was grief.  I started reading “What’s your Grief? by Eleanor Haley and Litsa Williams.” Oddly enough found the book at Homegoods, but you can get it on Amazon. I haven’t read the whole book yet, but I have already learned so much about what I’ve been feeling. I didn’t realize you could grieve so many things and all at once. The one thing that grabbed my attention is when they said that you are never going to be the same as you were before the grief. Which makes perfect sense why I have been stuck all year, I keep wanting things to go back to “normal”.

I fell for him again. Not Mr. but someone else that I have been energetically tied to for years. “This is the last your last chance to prove to me that I am your person” was what I said in the beginning. Our plan was for me to move to Texas. I bought an RV last December and thought it would be a good idea for me to live in it while we dated. Just incase we broke up, I could move instead of waiting for another year lease to expire. There was just one problem with our plan, I found out that he is married!! Which was not surprising seeing as how he lied so much to me over the years. That’s why I said in
the beginning this was his last chance, and I meant that. I just had to figure out how to break up with him and not use his marriage as the excuse. I know you are thinking that him being married is the exact reason I should tell him, but I couldn’t let him know that I knew.  And Why?  Well, I loaned him A LOT of money to help him start a business and refinance his house so we could live comfortably. If we went to court I would look like the scorned girlfriend who gave him money even though I knew he was married. Which is totally not the case at all. I loaned him the money.

That’s when the grief started. I lost the man I thought I’d have a long-term relationship with, my lease was up in Atlanta, and my finances were now in limbo. And still I had to smile to world like nothing was happening. In my line of work, you can’t be unhappy because people look to you for an escape from their own reality. So I sucked it up and kept it moving.

Oh if only that was the only thing I had to deal with this year. Let’s add something else to grief; loss of self. Like for 4 months I was bleeding nonstop, and not just spotting either. Guy’s, I know talking about women’s female issues can be cringe but grow up lol Turns out my hormones are all out of wack and I gained 35 lbs during that time. So now my body on the outside looks different. Talk about a punch in the gut. My whole adult life I have relied on my looks to make money and here I was feeling ashamed to be seen. So, instead of creating new content, I recycled what I had made in previous years. It worked, but now…well, things are starting to go downhill on my sites because I haven’t made a lot of new content this year.

Oh I’m not done just yet. There’s even more to this pitty party!  A month before I was scheduled to leave, I got some of the worse news that anyone could get, my little sister had passed away in a car accident on her way home from visiting her kids on Mother’s Day. Here is where I thought the grief began. It’s been a rollercoaster of sadness and regret for the past few months. My creativity took a hard hit again! I still have moments where I just cry. It’s the reason I bought “What’s your Grief?”. I was looking for answers on how to get my mojo back.

A notable mention of adding more to the grief train is unfriending three people this year! Like don’t even talk to them anymore and I use to talk to them all the time. Even considered two of the my best friends. I wonder sometimes why I am so hard to be friends with? It goes back to what I’ve been told over and over again, “You’re too nice”. Um, no…they are just assholes. And I don’t mean “they” as in the friends I’m talking about. I’ve come to the conclusion this must be a part of ascension. You can’t stay attached to people or things or you can’t full transcend or am I just making that up?

Fast forward to now, December, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting the money back that I loaned my ex. It’s a long story and if you want to hear about it I can write another post. Guess it’s time to call that lawyer and pay the deposit to get the paperwork started.

I’ve been working out a lot lately with an online trainer. It’s a great program and it’s good an all, but without my hormones balanced there is no luck of losing this weight. Instead of staying upset about it, I’ve decided to embrace it. That’s all I can do unless I go under the knife. I mean everyone else is doing it. I’ve been playing it safe all these years by being “All Natural” and you know what? People like altered bodies better. Years ago I was going to get breast implants, but decided against it. Some days I wish I would have because the girls with augmented breasts make more money. I’m up in the air about what I am going to do. All I can do in this moment is my best.

As far as how I am doing with the loss of my sister, Marie?  Well, my emotions are all over the place at times.  Typically I hold it in like Scorpios are known to do, but not this time.  I never meant to be gone this long from writing. It’s my therapy. Getting all this out of my head will help me tremendously.

So I’m back!!

And this year I am calling back ALL my energy. I’ll need it for what’s to come.