vulnerable: adjective

1. susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

If there is one word that I want people to use when they describe me, it’s vulnerable. Read the definition above. Why would I want to be susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm? Because I think being vulnerable is the best way to help others. I feel like the more raw and honest I am, the more I connect with my friends, family, and fans.

So let’s dive right in and let me tell you about what’s been going on in my world. Since launching my OnlyFans account, I’ve been slammed!! Running the site has been very challenging at times. There is no “right” way to do one of these sites. YOU place value on your brand, and have to figure out if others find value in what you have to offer. What I have been offering is a glimpse into my bedroom, but only a select few people get to see that because I value myself enough to price myself higher than “competition”. Let me make this clear though, I am in competition with “no one” but myself.

But talking about Onlyfans isn’t the only reason for this blog. I’ve been suffering in silence for the past couple months. Hiding behind content stored on my hard drive, I was able to keep my site going for months. However, I am now getting down to the last of my content. I am not sure when I will be able to shoot again because I have a rash that has been wreaking havoc on my body now for over two months.

WARNING!!!!

Here is where I am going to be vulnerable…

Not only has this rash affected my business, but it’s also affecting the way I feel about my body, and it’s taking a toll on my personal life. I’ve made money off my body for 20 years now so seeing myself look like this is shocking! It’s killing my “exotic dancer” ego and it’s definitely affecting how I feel about myself. I literally don’t feel an ounce of sexiness. Which in turn is affecting my sex life with my new partner. I haven’t been able to fully be present with him.

“Now that is also due to the fact that I am still finding it difficult to get over an ex-lover I had for over 12 Years…”

I can also attribute my lack of sexuality to money. Which is def a trigger I need to work on. Being that I made money off my body for most of my adult life, I am deeply affected when my sales are low.

In May I took a HUGE loss on my site. I produced 5 different selling campaigns, but with very dismal sales. I was able to squeak by paying bills with the money I had in my savings, but it also hit me hard because I literally can’t generate money off my body. I even had to cancel training sessions with a new trainer because the funds just weren’t there and that crushed me even more because I wanted to get my body in really good shape to go to Exotica in Miami. Ugh…Even though I know some of this is out of my control, it still doesn’t make it any easier when I’m stuck dealing with it.

How do I get past this?

What’s true for me, because I can only speak for myself, is to keep moving forward. The more I lay around, the more stagnant I become. I have Scorpio as a Moon sign so I can get lost in the underworld real fast and stay there and wallow in my own guilt, shame, frustrations, etc. But because I know this about myself, I allow it to happen so I can go deep into the emotional realm and pull this shit up to the surface to “Clean it Out”.

This time it took longer for me to snap out of it because my thyroid has crashed in the middle of all this which causes depression because your body stops producing serotonin. So yeah…there’s that element to throw into all this emotional mess, but I kept moving forward. Some days I accomplished more than others, and trust me I beat myself up over those days, but I still do something to keep momentum.

I also decided to shoot with Aj Photography and Design during my quick visit to Atlanta. A dark lit set made me feel comfortable being naked in front of the camera again. Even though I was still nervous and shy about shooting in the condition I am in, I did it anyways. I couldn’t be more happier with how the shoot turned out!!!

Am I back to myself again?

No, but like I said I keep moving forward. I know that what the universe has in store for me is something beyond my wildest dreams, but I gotta give the universe some direction and I gotta do the work.

Having a routine has also helped me to stay completely out of the funk. Simple things like making my bed as soon as I get up and washing my face first thing in the morning etc. keep me feeling refreshed during those moments of fear and self doubt.

Oh and I am seeing a doctor about the rash. She says its a bacterial thing that I’ve had since I was a kid. Why is it taking so long to heal? Healing comes in layers and sometimes you gotta clean out something else before an issue is resolved. I don’t go to a traditional doctor btw. I am not big on the pharmaceutical industry. I am taking natural supplements to help rid my body of all my underlying health issues. Her name is Dr. K at Keasberry Health Center incase you wanted to hit her up and see if she can help you with your body ailments. Although she is based in L.A. I do phone consultations with her and don’t have to go into the office. They send me the supplements through the mail.

I’ve got some really cool workshops and events that I’ve been working on and I can’t wait to share those with you. Follow my Instagram @TheDancingPriestess or @MyGoddessLifestyle for updates on future programs and webinars. I posted photos the other day of myself updating a creation board with, “Create A Dynamic Year“, handouts and calendars. I will be teaching a class and many more coming soon!

As always, thank you so much for the support and love as I go through another transformation.