I Masturbated Today

I masturbated today. Yup, I thought that would get your attention, but seriously though, I did. Why am I telling the whole world intimate details of my life? Well, because it goes a long with what I’ve been experiencing this past week. Let me explain before you get all in a tissy…

Now that I am back in India I feel more sensitive to energy. All this week I have felt like I am on a roller coaster of emotions. One day I am happy and then the next day I am down. One minute I am productive then the next moment I can’t be bothered. I knew something was stirring inside of me, but what? What was causing me to feel like this?

I don’t want to blame it alllll on the planets and the new moon in Cancer, but I do have to mention it. I am already flooded with water in my natal chart, and it just so happens that my rising sign is Cancer. Anytime the moon or the sun are in a water sign, I feel the effects on a deep, deep level. Thanks Scorpio for allowing me to dive deep into my emotional realm because without knowing how to do this I could have been stuck on repeat.

It’s always funny to me that I can’t recognize when I am in one of these places where I need to go deep within. I mean I should know myself by now right? Wrong. The fact is, most of us don’t know ourselves very well. Some of us know very little about ourselves. I need to be reminded from friends that it’s ok to feel this way and to take this as an opportunity to heal.

We are shamed and made to feel guilty about certain aspects of ourselves. Everyday you see on social media where someone is having a bad day and people reply back and tell them to be positive. How about don’t? Don’t be positive. How about go deep into that emotion and feel it to it’s core? Where does it come from? Is it really someone else who is making you upset or is it yourself? So many questions you could ask yourself about this feeling. Experience it because if you don’t then it’ll get swept away in that dark closet you keep shut in your subconscious.

I dove into the cosmic womb and came back with profound insights to why I was feeling so low and what needed to be done to clean and clear out this energy. I know I just made it sound so easy lol. Trust me it wasn’t. Anytime we set out to heal something it is harder than we think. I know for me it came in layers.

The  first layer came early in the week. It started off ok, but I was in a bit of a funk from an issue I was having with an ex-lover. We had recently stopped talking and it hit me pretty hard, but then again, don’t they all. lol I began to comb through my memories of the past month. Not the good ones or the bad ones, but the ones where I didn’t speak my truth. Where I hid how I was really feeling from him in fear of rejection. The ones we want to act like don’t exist because we are “suppose” to be positive all the time.

The warning signs were there from the beginning. I just chose to ignore them because that little dark goddess inside of me wanted to conquer him. When she is active there’s no stopping her. She almost always gets what she wants. That is exactly when I should have pumped my breaks and responded accordingly instead of react. I won’t give you the whole story, but this is where it all began. In my head, as a story. I manifested all of this.

Now let’s fast forward to the day before my energy was zapped. I watched a show on Gaia.com called “Past Lives, Future Lives” Greg Noory. This show was highlighted on their homepage. It resonated with me so I watched it to see if I could get answers about a past life karmic tie that I believe I share with someone. Turns out I learned a lot more than I had bargained for. Dr. Bruce Goldberg talked about karmic ties and how to break them, but he also talked about karmic patterns. This was something I also had questions about.

Bam…that was it!! Karmic pattern. I was recreating a karmic pattern over and over again with every single relationship I have had in the past 10+ years. Same pattern, different face. I mean I already knew this, but I couldn’t figure out what the pattern was. Now that I am in India I saw it clearly. Why did it take coming to India for me to see? Because I use to think it was the men in Atlanta, but here I was in Rishikesh, India and it was happening all over again.

The truth was smack dab in front of me. I could run and hide form it, but the evidence was playing out yet again in my Instagram DM’s. I had been flirting with a photographer here in India and we got a little out of hand with the messages. Sexting back and forth. Smh! I was totally dominating him because I knew I could. That dark goddess inside wanting to stand over yet another soul in victory. Ugh! Then the shame and guilt swept over me like the plague. I wanted to run and hide from embarrassment. What have I done?

I had to stop it right there. No more. I can’t do this to myself anymore and I can’t do this to someone else either. How do you stop the karmic pattern or cycle? It’s easy. Once you know it’s there, you just….stop. And if it tries to come back again, you respond accordingly. No need to react to the urge of domination, on my part. So I just stopped. I made sure he understood that I was out of line and not to blame himself, but I ended it there.

After a long talk with my friends Kelly and Wiley, I had even more breakthroughs. When you bounce ideas of your friends and then they give you feedback it can really help you to open up and see things from another perspective. Not only did I get solid information about what was going on with me, but I also got great advice about my business.  In turn I was able to help them see things in their lives that were karmically resurfacing because they weren’t dealing with their shit either. I love a win, win, situation.

One of the major things I realized after watching….is how simple it was to end the karmic cycle with someone I’ve loved for 12 years. I just have to stop. I think I can say it’s easy at this point because the healing I’ve done around this particular person. I’ve created ceremonies and rituals and energy cord cutting, you name it I did it. Now let’s see if it’s as easy as I think it’s going to be. I’ll be sure to keep y’all up to date on that.

I guess you are wondering why I mentioned masturbation in the beginning? I did it to get your attention so you’d read this whole blog because I knew it would be a long one. lol Keep reading though, I promise I’ll get to that.

Let’s talk about today and why it was so significant to me. I blocked off some time in the afternoon to do some meditating instead of taking a nap like I usually do. I stripped down to my undies and bra and laid across my bed. It’s hot here so it always feels good to lay under the fan naked. lol

I closed my eyes and began having the monkey mind. Sex is the number one thing that always creeps into my thoughts. I tried to concentrate on releasing the thoughts, but my sexual energy needed a release.

Everything started off like normal, well for me anyways. I don’t know what normal is to other people who pleasure themselves. I closed my eyes and starting thinking of a past lover, but I noticed something was different this time. It was hard for me to think of one. I tuned into the feeling and had an AHA! moment. I wanted to be more in the moment. I wanted to reconnect with my body. Too often I drift into a dream like state to get me to a place of arousal, but really my body doesn’t need vivid dreams to become aroused. It comes from within.

I cleared the vision of my lovers face from my mind and concentrated on what I was feeling as I touched myself. I won’t go into details because this isn’t meant to be pornographic, but I reconnected with myself. Instead of visualizing someone else, I visualized myself and what I looked like pleasuring myself. Then WHALA! Connection was made.

I was feeling places on my body that had been numb for the past two years. In the moment I could feel my breath in my lungs, the energy soaring up into my chakras, and the warmth of my own body. It was magical!

The fun didn’t stop there though. I decided to take a shower and do some body pampering. I shaved my legs, brushed my body, exfolitated, and did a quick facial peel by…… Can I just say how much I like these? The only issue I have with them is the packaging. I wish they were biodegradable. I finished up with a nice virgin coconut lotion and put on a skirt. AH…I feel like a rejuvenated woman again.

So this is what I did for the Cancer New Moon this year. I worked on my shadow side and embraced it. From this point on, I will consciously learn to respond instead of react to her when it’s necessary.

I hope my story has inspired some of you to do your own shadow work. If you need some ideas on how to work with your shadow, hit me up. You know where to find me.

Oh and one last thing…I want to say “Thank You” to all my past lovers for the lessons you taught me. May all be  happy, healthy, and may all live happy lives.

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