I’m losing my mind

I swear I am losing my mind. I can’t seem to make sense of anything much anymore. One moment I am happy and thinking I am on a good path, then the next I’m shattered to pieces with no one to put me back together. It seems the deeper I go within myself the more shit I stir up.

I’m like a muddy pond made up of stagnant water, with bugs happily gliding across the surface. Occasionally a frog or two will jump in to shake things up, but not much going on. Then, all of a sudden someone comes along with a big stick and start stirring the dead leaves and sunken branches from the bottom. The deeper and faster they stir, the more shit that comes to the surface. If they don’t skim off the garbage coming up then it’ll sink right back down to the bottom where it’ll stay until someone comes and starts stirring again. This time, I’m skimming the top with a net and cleaning out all the shit so my water will run clean, clear, and current.

Will it ever stop? Will I ever get to the bottom of all this shit? I mean, come on…I need some oxygen. I feel like I’m suffocating.

One of the hardest things for me to be ok with is the fact that I want a partner and a lover that is willing to stick around. I’m tired of this karmic pattern of fucking for sport. I get it…I am good in bed. Yes, I know. They’ve never had someone like me.

Well, if they’ve never had someone as satisfying as me then why do they leave? I mean damn. Am I that fucking hard to get along with? Are my emotions too much for them? Is my love not good enough?

It’s not that I am not good enough, or I don’t know how to love. They just want a quick fix to their problems, and they have a problem working on their own shit. They come to me for healing and leave feeling great, but then forget to go do the work they need to do in order for them to see me as the loving, nurturing, loyal, patient, giving, compassionate, smart, person that I am.

Then, when the temporary healing has worn off, they come back for more. They are like vampires sucking the life energy out of me, and guess what? I let them. Why? Why do I do this? Can’t I see the pattern unfolding? I mean I know what they are doing, but I always give them a chance to show me that they’ve changed and that they want something more. They don’t though. I’m just an easy lay to them who doesn’t ask for anything in return, and I keep their secrets.

Where does all this come from? Why do I do this to myself?

Well, it’s something I’ve known for awhile, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I needed to do some work around this ancient karmic pattern. Just how ancient am I talking about? I believe it goes back to the time where I was a temple Priestess. I don’t know what region the world I was located, but I know I have met other women this lifetime who were also at the tame temple as myself.

There are many different stories about Temple Priestesses. I resonate with the story of the priestess being in charge of helping men heal from trauma when they came off the battle field. We were highly respected women who used our powers for healing. When I say powers, what I mean is our pussy power. Yes, ladies your pussies can heal. You just have to know how to use them properly. We didn’t have to ask for anything because men would gladly give us all the things we desired to be able to heal and go back to their families. You can also read about this if you google “Sacred Sex“.

So now I am on a quest to heal this part of me. I am open to receive guidance around how to do this and I am ready to heal from this past karmic pattern. Today I am taking a vow of celibacy until I can heal this wound. I’ve went without sex for several months before and now I will do it again. It’s time to dive deep into myself and finish any soul contracts I have with the men I healed so many years ago and even today.

Shadow work here I come…